It's swimsuit time. Are you sexy or skanky?

It's swimsuit time. Are you sexy or skanky?

By Eve Weller

When it comes to swimwear, there's a thin line between looking hot and looking like hell.
Frankly -- though we're really not supposed to say this -- it's about, well, class.
When you're in your swimsuit, you are as naked as you're ever going to get in public.
You don't need bad taste weighing you down like extra poundage.
Here are some affronts to swimsuit style and etiquette. Avoid them at all costs.

The problem: Big tummy, itty-bitty bikini

Look. We all have things about our bodies we aren't proud of.
But there's something particularly troubling about this silhouette. A protruding belly
that appears all the more robust, thanks to a tiny bikini bottom begs a few questions:
Does the wearer own a mirror? Has she not gone swimsuit shopping since she was 14? Does
she have misplaced pride about squeezing into a size 4?

The remedy: Get swimsuit bottoms that are skirted to counterbalance a corpulent
stomach. Better yet, go for a one-piece.

The problem: Necklaces made of thin chains
This one is going to make a lot of women peeved, but better you hear it from us than
anyone.
There was a time the embellishment was considered feminine. Now they're just passe. Or
declasse, depending on to whom you're talking.

The remedy: Note that thin chains with simple diamonds are fine. And teenagers can get
away with thin chain necklaces. The rest need to go. If you must wear jewelry, choose
something chunkier.

The problem: Jewelry worn below the neck
The last time anklets were racy was 1976. Now they just make you look surprisingly
out-of-step with the times, the way old fashioned, high-waisted jeans do. Ditto toe rings.

The remedy: Take it off. Yes, all of it.

The problem: Long, blood red nails
It's hard to pull off the dated look of long red nails, and all the more so when the
backdrop is a come-hither bathing suit. The combo ends up looking not just anachronistic,
but mildly trashy.

The remedy: Go for softer colors. To glam it up, opt for shockingly dark hues.
Also, shapely nails that don't extend much beyond the nail bed are vastly more
sophisticated than longer ones.

The problem: Keeping Sleek
How to put this delicately?
Shaving every hair everywhere may make you feel seductive in the bedroom, but without
a protective layer of hair, shaving can make your anatomy ridiculously visible in a
clingy wet swimsuit.
Sexy? Hardly. Rather, totally skanky.

The remedy: Don't leave your silhouette down there up to chance. Don your bathing suit
and step into the shower long before you get near a pool. If far too much is apparent, get
a new swimsuit with a thicker gusset or, in a pinch, lay down an ultra thin panty liner.
Just remember, there's a reason why they call them your privates.

The problem: Pierced navel
Ok, I'm just gonna say it. Your pierced navel is so not-hot. It was a novelty in the
early 1990s, but not now that every 13-year-old with a remiss mom has one.

The remedy: Sadly, there is no easy, permanent remedy. If you remove the jewelry, the
skin will likely sag and the hole will be prominent, as it probably has darkened. Some
doctors punch out the hole and stitch the sides together, but then there's the issue of a
scar left behind.
Opt for a one-piece swimsuit. And if you go for the bikini, don't call attention to
your navel with shiny jewelry.

The problem: Low hanging fruit
Again, we hate to have to point this out. But some of you make us.
Those string bikinis aren't doing the job. If you are over 40 and don't have a
surgically enhanced bosom, do not flaunt what gravity has wrought. You look, well, spent.
Classy, it ain't.

The remedy: Get a bathing suit with underwire, more structure or a higher neckline. You can't heave the girls skyward without the right cables.

The problem: Thick black platform mules, circa 2001
Yes, they're comfortable. Yes, they've been your buddies for years. Yes, you throw them
on so you don't have to think about shoes.
No, you should never wear these again. And certainly not to the pool.

The remedy: You know what you need to do. Get some bright colored flip-flops or invest
in some handsome slip-on sandals.